Excerpt fr/Celibate In Suburbia

Things I Know For Sure

1. My children will always consider me “weird.”

2. It will rain the day I wash my car.

3. I will not have a condom when I need one.

4. A married man will always cheat if given the opportunity and he knows he can get away with it; a woman entices a man to cheat by giving away her coochie.

5. I will never be a size zero. Nor do I want to.

6. We’re all 15 minutes away from doing something absurd, if not less.

7. The day I do not shave I will have maddening sex.

8. A Brazilian wax is painful, and no one has any business being too close for too long there anyway!

9. My children will always hold me accountable.

10. I will never win the lottery.

11. I will never be able to balance my finances.

12. My roots will grow.

13. The minute a person feels his partner is being doted on is the minute he’ll want her back.

14. Affairs only produce heartache.

15. Being the “other woman” is not as glamorous as it seems.

16. Infatuation is often mistaken for love.

17. I no longer know who is sleeping with whom in the tabloids or among my circle of friends.

18. I’m simply unable to do the lotus pose.

19. A martini can do only so much.

20. Just when I think I’ve figured out life, I realize I have so much more to learn.